Losing the Unknown
by mamabot
Summary: You never know how much a fleeting thought could mean to you, until find it is gone. Starscream x Windblade have a friends with lovers benefit relationship. But he doesn't realized just how much he cares for her until he finds her in her office and asks him that one question, "Starscream what if I...we were," she chokes back the grief, "pregnant?" M for a very heavy topic.


Starscream Windblade  
{*trying to write this so it can either be Cybertronian or human form}

 _ **"**_ _ ** **You don't know what you have lost, until it's gone."  
~8~8~8~****_

Starscream hears the alarm and silences it, but has no immediate plans to get out of his warm bed. He doesn't even bother to look at what dawn has brought him, because he wants to go back to reliving a wonder moment in his life.  
He sighs and lets his memory take over again.

 _ _After a nasty flight and traipsing through nasty cold and wet weather, he is very happy to return to the shelter of his home. Like a disgusted dog, he shivers and shakes himself as he steps through the door. Once he drops his gear and stops snarling, he hears his shower running.  
There are very few who will dare enter his abode without his permission, and even less to help themselves to his private shower. He looks down beside his own gear and a smile spreads wide across his face as he sees another set.  
Windblade.  
Silent as gliding on air, he strips and makes his way to the shower. There she is humming in the steamy room, lathering herself in his expensive soap. Even Skywarp would be pulverized for being so rude, but Windblade? Actually it is always a bit of a turn on for him when she smells of his cologne or other scents.  
He slips around the open end of the shower, and is ever so grateful for the hot water to melt his frozen body. He steps closer and closer, careful to avoid an elbow as it maneuvers to swath over the curvy form before him.  
With just his lips, he kisses that very sensitive spot right a the juncture of neck and shoulder, and he is rewarded by her squeal and a soapy washer to the head. It doesn't move him and instead, he nips the skin, stepping in closer to slide his arms around her trim waist.  
"ALK! You're freezing, Starscream!"  
"Not for long," and buries his icy nose into her throat, pressing up against her in hopes to feed off her hot watered body.  
Slicken by the water and soap, she turns in his arms and steps back tugging him further under the spray. "Here, we need to get you warmed up." She reaches back to make the water a little hotter, just as she knows he likes it.  
She is rewarded by a that melting purr from deep in his throat. The warmth melts his vision too, and he blindly finds her lips on the first try.  
Windblade cups into his nape helping to support his melting form and letting him know not to pull away from the kiss too soon.  
Once more he purrs, taking the kiss slow, exploring. Like coming home and taking the time to savor what you have in your arms, his lips and tongue make love to hers. Soon it is she doing the melting while he is the one doing the supporting,  
With just a toe, he flicks down the bench, one hand knocks the nozzle head, and sinks down, guiding Windblade into his lap. There he moves his lips from hers, and with her guidance, down her throat, across the shoulder, and even down the arm a bit. Her head slumps back, letting the water run right down her throat, over the plane of her chest and cascading off a breast.  
Starscream bows her back just a bit more so that he can place his open mouth to drink the water running off said breast. Windblade moans when his tongue flicks out against the underside of her nipple, so he surrounds it instead.  
"Star-scream," she pants, and he knows she is ready for more.__  
 _ _Hands explore, soothe and guide, until she is on her knees on the bench straddling his lap. He grasps her slippery and lovely hips, as she does her best to hang onto his slippery shoulders. Both sets of hands have to dig in when they are sure going to lose purchase. Neither minds, in fact it just ramps things up the next level.  
Pants, moans, and cries echo in the small steamy space.  
Neither one knows or cares who crests first, all that maters is that they are here together right now. He slumps his forehead to her shoulder, and it is her nose buried into his neck this time.  
"It's going to get cold soon."  
"I forgot to turn the heat on here."  
"Got blankets?"  
"Better, got you." He kisses her throat, with another little nip, and she giggles.__

 _ _As if on cue, the water turns cold. He reaches out with a foot slapping the control off, and she clings tighter shivering in his arms.  
"Come, we must get you into bed. Can't have you getting sick on your vacation." He rises up, keeping her in his arms. Windblade wraps her gorgeous thighs around his trim hips, latching her ankles.  
He reaches out snatching a bath sheet and drapes it around her shoulders and begins to rub. She grabs another and likewise drapes it over his head and shoulders, except she can't rub him down. That is until they get to the bedroom, and he lays her on the bed to dry her front, then she can pull the corners and tug him down on top of her so she can rub his back.  
After a bit of cute attempts to dry each other off, they give up and do it themselves, then dash under the covers. There they cling to each other for warmth.  
"I hope you have a good time on your vacation. I want to see pictures," he murmurs into the top of her head.  
"I plan to take pictures."  
He lifts her chin and bobs her nose, "I want to see you IN those pictures."  
She rolls her eyes and shoves him, "No promises."  
He knows the argument it over and tugs the blankets more snuggly around them both, "Alright."  
Soon enough both of them are soundly asleep.__  
 _ _  
In the morning he finds himself alone. But it's not like they have a serious relationship. Friends with extreme benefits? Part time lovers?  
The funny part is that neither of them are dating or sleeping with anyone else. No they don't love together, but there is certainly no problem about spending the night at each other's place - unless one clearly needs time alone, and the other respects that.  
Yes they have had their squabbles, fights, and misunderstandings, but … it's not like they are anything serious.  
Right?__

 _ _And that is part of the dilemma Starscream has awoken to. Primus he has miss Windblade so much. Not just the sex, but just seeing her smile and bantering with her.  
He leaps out of bed with a beaming smile, "And she comes back to work today!" He rubs his hands and gets a plan in order.__

~0~  
With almost a skip in his step, Starscream whistles as he makes his way down the hall and to Windblade's office with a box of sweets in his hand. He has planned his timing so he won't run into Chromia. No need for the guardian to tip off her friend that he is coming.  
He is careful in hacking the door latch so he can silently slide it open and step in. No squeak or things thrown his direction means he has successfully made entrance. He just as silently closes the door again, and scans the room.  
It's so silent, he's not sure she's even in the room. Slowly he pans from the desk, the corner and then to the window and does a double take. The window has a huge sill that doubles as like and alcove seat and that is where she is with her back is to the rest of the room. The cheekiness in him starts to sneak up on her.  
Just as he reaches his finger out to teasingly poke her in the side, she sighs, "Hello, Starscream."  
It's not a welcoming tone, but nor is it one to 'get lost'. What bothers him more, is that she doesn't look up and from her position, he can't see her expression in the reflection of the window.  
"Hello, Windblade. Welcome back."  
Her head dips in gratitude but she only mutters, "Thank you."  
Something in his guts twists, and he sinks to the other corner of the window seat setting the sweets to the floor. "Windblade?"  
She still doesn't respond, so he tips his head this way and that to try getting a better look at her face, but she is still evasive between the glare of the morning light, the shroud of her slumped shoulders, and the mug of herbal brew.  
This time he uses the back of a finger to gently stroke her forearm. "Did something happen while on your vacation back home?"  
She doesn't move, and nor does he. He knows her well enough to give her a moment and then she will either talk or tell him to get lost.

Windblade takes another sip of her tea to help wet her throat to speak. "What would you do if I, well __we__ were pregnant?"  
He blinks, but can't speak. That came out of no where and could go in so many directions. It's not something he ever seriously thought about. He has always used protection…in the past. With Windblade it just seemed like a non-issue.  
"Are you?"  
She sharply turns her head a pierces his worry with a deadly point. " ** **No!**** Now answer the question."  
The 'no' is like a whip crack and the rest like a slap to the face to stop being evasive. She is serious and needs him to be serious. 'Just answer the damned question', in other words her continuing glare dictates.  
He swallows hard. Always a deadly make-or-break question. "If you were, would you even bother to tell me?"  
She snorts rolling her eyes and turns back to her mug and pulling (if possible) even further away from him. "Forget it."  
His grip to her bicep is firm, but not hurting, "No, I won't." She only turns enough to let him know she will listen, but won't look at him directly. He drops his hand. "I will be a horrible father. I don't have patience. I'm not dependable. I'm a terrible role model." The noise she lets off has him giving his own snort of disgust. "You asked, and I'm being honest. I'm not putting myself down, I'm just being realistic."  
"Then why don't you get yourself sterilized." She snaps back at him.  
That does clench his jaw, for it's not like the thought hasn't crossed his mind before, but some how hearing it from her in such an icy tone is …cutting. "I don't know."  
"I don't believe you." She tugs her arm out of his grip.  
He drops his hands to his lap and rolls his head back against the window to look at the ceiling. "I guess because part of me wonders if I might change my mind when I get older and I want to leave my options open. I never know what may happen in the future and I might mellow. If I do it, I might regret it."  
There's no way that he can tell her that since spending more time with her, he's wanted to mellow and for the first time in his life, he could finally see himself considering a real commitment. Yes commitment might or might not include offspring, and for the first time in his wild life, it doesn't revolt or scare him. Well not completely, at least.

Windblade lets off a soft sigh. That she can understand. Right now her career is too important, but in the future, when she finds the right mate, maybe she will want to be a parent.  
"No, I probably wouldn't tell you."  
He doesn't look at her and she can hear the pain in his question, "Why?"  
"I wouldn't want you to be obligated to do something you are uncomfortable doing."  
Starscream snaps his head to pierce her, "I might be a louse, and there might be some duties I shirk, but I would not leave you to be burdened alone. I might be a sadistic bastard, but not to you."  
"So you would do this for me, but what about someone else?"  
The knot in his throat is very hard to swallow. "I-I…. I've never been so caught up with someone before that protection never came to mind… except with you."  
Her cheeks flame nearly as badly as his and she has to duck her head aside once again.  
He doesn't touch her, but his words do stroke her core, "No matter who it was, I would always be financially responsible, for it's not the younglings fault to be spawned by me and they should not wallow in need because I'm a ass. But for you…," she peeks one eye to him, "I would make an effort to be there for." He gives her a lopsided grin, "And start saving for their therapy instead of higher learning." Her grin comes out. "Maybe it should be a bail bond fund."  
For that she does shove him in the arm making him outright chuckle.  
"You aren't that much of an ass," but he just shrugs to her statement.

When she returns to her drink, he pokes her foot. "Hey, what brought this all up? Did something happen on your vacation? Chromia said you got sick."  
Windblade doesn't move except to stiffen and her hands begin to shake a little. That does concern him enough to move closer, but she shrinks from him once again. This time though, he doesn't let her retreat fully. "Windblade, what is going on?"  
"I-I wasn't sick."  
He takes her chin and turns it so he can see it fully for the first time in this conversation. She's paler than he's ever seen her. There's tears brimming her eyes and evidence that others have already fallen. He takes the mug setting it aside so he can cup her hand and cheek at the same time. "Babe…."  
"I…lost it."  
Her words don't calculate and if it wasn't so serious, she might find it cute that he is embarrassed he doesn't understand her subtext.  
If he wasn't listening so intently, he would have missed the whispered, "Mis-miscarriage."  
In a flash, Starscream grabs her into his lap crushing her head to his chest. Knees bent, arms tightly around her, head bowed over, Windblade is in his cocoon of protection and her dam breaks. Not just silently like she has been, but a wail muffled against his chest.  
He rocks her, pressing his lips to her ear and mournfully chokes up, "I'm so, so sorry, Darling."  
Windblade digs her fingers to cling to him as both grief and relief wash over her again and again.  
"You aren't alone," he nuzzles her. "I won't let you go through this alone."  
And a new kind of sob breaks out from her. "Starscream, I'm sorry. I didn't know until it was….gone."  
"Shh, shh, don't concern yourself with that. It's alright. We are here now… together." And he adjusts just enough to press his forehead to hers and look into the windows of her soul. "I…I will give you another, if you want. I will be by your side the whole time. Whatever you want, I will give-"  
She presses her painted tips to his grieving and kind lips. "Starscream, shh. Don't make me any promises right now. Just, hold me. Just letting me know you care…."  
Another lump clogs his throat and he can only nod.

He adjusts her in his lap just enough for her to be not quite so squashed. Her head tucked into the crook of his neck and shoulder, his ear leaning on the top of her head. One arm supports her shoulder cupping her upper arm, the other around hip and waist, soothing her lower back.  
For Windblade, her hand is touching his bare chest just to feel him alive and pulsing under her fingers, the other around his waist supporting him just as he is supporting her.  
"Does Chromia know?"  
Windblade nuzzles his shoulder in a negative way. "I just told her I got pretty sick, and am still kicking the last of it."  
"How-how are you?"  
"Sore."  
The hand comes off her back to slide to the front when he stops, "M-may I?"  
She pulls her hand off his chest to help him find the spot on her belly that is sore where together they soothe. His hand is larger and stronger than hers with those long fingers that always do things to her. Now they are just stroking and soothing like the time she strained her lower back.  
"Um, that feels nice," it's her turn to purr.  
It lifts his spirits to know he is making her feel better. After all, if he had actually used protection with her, she never would have been in a position to be in pain, grief, or loss. Her health wouldn't have been at risk.  
"You are thinking loudly," she presses a kiss to his throat.  
The backs of his fingers massage the area where his child had been. He was going to be a father, and never knew it. Why now is it hitting him that he could have had something he never ever wanted? Is it because of the one in his lap? Is it because Fate has decided to kick him in the face? Is it because maybe he always wanted to be a father, and has fought to vicious to not accept it and now it was ripped from him like some cruel joke!

"Starscream?"  
He lifts his head and looks into the face of the one person who can turn his world on end. "If you asked me to, I would get sterilized. If you asked me not to, that I will do to."  
She shakes her head. "It is not my decision, it must be yours."  
And something primal twists in his gut. Possessive.  
"I…. I can't believe I am going to say this. But if you want to have a child, I want it to be mine."  
Not quite an 'I love you' not quite a proposal.  
"Primus that is selfish of me!" And he shamefully looks away.  
Windblade turns his chin back, "Actually, it's kind of endearing," and she giggles at his screwed up expression. "Here you are grieving a child you never knew you were to have or ever wanted, and yet not sure you want another, but if you do, you want it to be with me?"  
He pokes her in the nose. "You are the only one who has ever made me think about parenting without wanting to run in horror. Just that I would forever feel guilty for you raising the spawn of this!" He looks down at himself.  
She giggles again, clonking her head to his chest. "Shh, Darling. It's been a rough morning."  
He lets out a long stream of guff. "You can say that again."  
"Starscream…," she slips her hand back over his bare chest. Ever so softly she whispers, "Thank you."  
He presses another kiss to her forehead. "I'm not sure what for, but okay."  
When she doesn't respond, he looks down and sees she has fallen asleep in his lap. No, he's not going to get a damned bit of work done today, but quite honestly, even if she wasn't asleep in his lap, he wouldn't be able to concentrate.  
He touches his com, "Chromia, Windblade and I will be off for the day. Please let the others know we are not to be disturbed."  
"Will do, Starscream," but there is a hint of mirth in her voice.  
He is in no mood to correct her, nor in any mood to move.

His life may not be perfect, but it's going to be alright.

{end}


End file.
